


Tours of Anxiety

by kittys_devil



Series: Hurt_Comfort Bingo [7]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bingo, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-23
Updated: 2011-09-23
Packaged: 2017-10-24 00:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittys_devil/pseuds/kittys_devil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy thought he would be ok to deal with it alone. He was wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tours of Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks the the wonderful i_glitterz for reading this for me.
> 
> This was written for hurt_comfort bingo: free square: mental health issues. It could be triggering to someone with anxiety issues.
> 
> I do not own the boys, only the original characters and the story line. It's fiction...you know the rest!

Adam is talking about something that Tommy knows is really important. He knows he is supposed to be paying attention to what Adam is telling him. Everyone else is paying attention, following every word Adam says.

But Tommy’s mind starts to wander. And before he knows it, he is thinking about his mom and how she is doing, and how he wishes that he could be around her more. And then he’s thinking about that one line in that one song that he just can’t get right. He is sure that everyone at the concert tonight is going to notice. 

Then it’s the little things that are not even important. Like, did he remember to pack enough socks, and is there toothpaste to go with his toothbrush. His mind wanders to the list of everything he _needs_ on tour and wonders how much of that he’s forgotten at home. Shit, he’ll have to call Sophie and have her send it and then everyone will just give him a hard time. Not like this is like the time he lost his passport. 

And fuck, that was just horrible. He remembers the panic of not finding it and then the rushed trip home to get a new passport. And then that one time when they were on tour and he got left at the rest stop because Taylor thought it would be so funny to play a joke on him. Tommy’s mind wanders to that other time when…

“TOMMY!”

“What?”

“Have you heard a word I have said to you the last 5 minutes?”

“Um, kinda?”

“Fuck, Tommy. This is important.”

“I know, Adam. I’m sorry. I just got distracted.” Tommy takes a deep breath, “Okay, I’m focused now.”

Except Tommy really isn’t and that’s just one more thing for him to worry about.

~ ~ ~ ~

Tommy manages to pretty much stay on track and focused for the next month. Well, as focused as he can be. Yeah he tried. He really really tried. But then his mind would just start to wander or space out and he would have no idea what he was doing or what he was going to do. And then the twitching starts. 

It’s real subtle at first. Not all the time, just here or there when he’s most anxious. So he took one of the pills the doctor gave him when he needed to take the edge off. It has been so long, he was trying not to take them. But it was so good to feel relaxed. 

It was a few weeks later. One pill was not working anymore. The bottle says one to two, so he starts taking two. Tommy gets that feeling again. The relaxed, nothing is wrong with the world and everything is good feeling. He loves that feeling. He hates taking the pills. They help, but they change him in a way too. He wants to have that feeling without the drugs. 

He calls his doctor. They put him on daily pills. And he hates it. He holds on to the script for a few more weeks hoping this will all go away. 

He is doing his dream job with people he loves. He is on stage rocking out with an amazing singer and fans that scream his name. He has freedom and say in what happens on stage even if he is not the band director. He should be happy and free. Tommy should not be having this feeling in the pit of his stomach like the world is going to crash on him. 

He takes two of the temporary fix pills before he goes on stage tonight. He has a blast and tries not to let his mind think about everything else.

~ ~ ~ ~

“Fuck it!” he screams out to no in particular.

“Glitterbaby you ok?” Adam asks walking from around the corner. 

“Just, it’s just too much!” Tommy spits out.

Adam walks over pulling him into a hug. “What’s too much baby?”

“Nothing…and everything.” 

That was all Tommy could get out before he felt the tears. 

He can’t talk about it. Adam will think he is nuts. He is not supposed to be feeling that way right now. He is supposed to be on top of the world. He can’t tell any of his tour family. He just needs to keep it inside and hope the pills make it all go away. 

~ ~ ~ ~

He wakes up and feels different.It’s not the good kind of different. It’s a 'this is not going to be a good day' kind of feeling. 

Tommy takes a shower, gets dressed and heads to the venue for practice. And then it starts. 

Tommy feels the fear sweep over him as his entire body goes numb. He feels his blood run cold as it gets harder and harder to breath. The tears form at the corner of his eyes as his feet start pacing across the parking lot.

Tommy stands there two seconds from running and never looking back. 

He should not be afraid; the rational side of his brain tells him this. But that is not what is in control right now. 

His anxiety is in control.

He reaches for the pills with shaking hands. His legs move as he paces around, unable to stop moving now. What if someone sees him like this? How will he explain all this to them? 

He can’t breathe, his body is numb and the pills are not working fast enough. The world is collapsing and he is falling. Nothing is going to stop this. He is sure of that. 

Somehow he makes his way inside. Tommy does not even remember walking to the room and shutting the door. But as soon as he hears the door shut everything that he was feeling outside is even more intense. 

It’s been years since he has had an anxiety attack this bad. 

He is falling, he can feel it. The pills are still not working. He can’t breathe. His body is cold and he can’t stop moving. 

He falls into the chair and the sobbing starts. 

Tommy is not sure how long he is in there before he sees Adam’s face peeking at him.

“Baby?”

Tommy looks up and whispers the words he has been so afraid to say. “Save me from myself.”

He collapses into Adam’s arms feeling safer than he has in weeks.


End file.
